Forgiving
by rosecat16
Summary: Set after 3x13, or at the end of Season 3, with Morgana trying to control herself. She's confused about herself and what's she's done, and especially about one main person.
1. Chapter 1

She was running out of time. Camelot's knights were closing in on her, with Arthur in the lead, chasing her and the two people who were helping her along with her wounded leg. She looked at one, Mordred, and he looked at her with big, blue eyes filled with worry for her and him. She then looked at the man helping her along, the guardian of Mordred.

"Keep going, Morgana," She heard Merlin call from behind.

He had come to look for her, to make sure she was safe. She knew he had. But suddenly her leg shot out to her and seemed to burn, as if a fire was inside it. She screamed and dropped to the ground, looking for someone, anyone, to help. She looked into Merlin's eyes and searched for something, anything that could tell her she would be alright, but instead she just saw dark clouds of worry and determination. Determination to get her safely back home. She cried out again.

Suddenly Merlin turned away to see Camelot's knights and looked back at her, saying, "You've got to go! I'll hold them off, but you need to get going!"

"No, Merlin, I couldn't ask you to do that for me," She said, her voice rising and her eyes burning with tears.

"Then don't ask me. Just get moving!"

His gaze held hers for a moment, as if wanting to say something, and as Mordred hurried her along, she promised him, "I will never forget this, Merlin."

Then she saw mist swirling around and all around her became black.

And then, she woke up.

"What on Earth?" She whispered to herself, and realized where she was. She was in a forest in Camelot, sleeping in the leaves of late fall. She had escaped the knights of Camelot only to come to this horrid, damp forest. Her sister was dead. She was in grieving, and tried to remember every promise she made her sister, so she could complete them.

But then she remembered her dream. It wasn't a dream, actually, but more like a memory. It had all happened, all those years ago, and Merlin had saved her.

_Merlin. _

He was a traitor, and she was disappointed in him. She had known he would choose Arthur for a leader, but she wished he had chosen her. She questioned what she ever did to him that would make him hate her so. She had never hurt him, at least, she hadn't before.

Or maybe, she thought, she had.

After all, was it not Merlin who had always saved her? Was it not he who wanted best for her? And wasn't it he who had sent her to discover herself? Did he really have feelings for her?

But it was also Merlin who had poisoned her. He had risked her own life and pretended to be her friend, pretended to have feelings for her.

She felt her blood boil. It was Merlin who killed Morgause. She didn't know how anyone so puny and useless could kill her powerful and mighty sister. She had to kill him, for Morgause. She couldn't have feelings, not for him. Not for anyone.

And yet, in the mind of her old self, in the safety she used to know existed in her, she felt a consciousness. It spoke to her quietly, in the voice of herself,

"_I will never forget this, Merlin."_

Morgana looked out and saw Camelot's castle, and on the top of the highest tower, with one hand raised in greeting, was Merlin. He looked sad, and she knew he was staring right at her. And, against herself, she waved back, and a smile crept on Merlin's face.

He had forgiven her.


	2. Chapter 2

Morgana walked through the forest with her head low and the need of thirst clenching at her every move. She could barely see in the darkness, even though her eyes should have grown adjusted, and every couple of steps she tripped over something, creating yet another bloody bruise. She cried as she walked, thinking of everything she'd done and what she knows she could do now.

"You need some help?" She heard a voice say.

She turned around and saw a shape near her, carrying something. She squinted and looked into the light, and saw who it was.

Merlin. And he was carrying a pouch of water.

"I thought you would be thirsty." He said, giving her the pouch. "There's no stream in this forest."

She looked at him. "How would you know that?"

He laughed. "No one can say a Prince's servant has the easy job. Arthur once left me here on a hunting trip."

She looked back at the pouch of water. She was _so _thirsty, but she didn't know what to do. This seemed strangely familiar to her.

"Aren't you going to drink?" Merlin asked. "You look faint."

"I'm fine!" She snapped.

"Well you should still drink up. It won't do you any good to get dehydrated."

She stared at the pouch. He saw her hesitation.

He sighed. "Morgana, you don't really think I poisoned it, do you?"

She didn't look up.

"Morgana, it's not poisoned, I swear. Please drink some."

Still she stared. He sighed.

Taking the pouch from her, he took one small sip.

"There, are you satisfied now?"

She shrugged and took a sip. The water ran down her throat like the pure waters of heaven.

"Thank you," She said, against herself.

"You're welcome."

After a moment, she looked at him strangely and asked, "What are you doing here anyway?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it's not like you came all the way out here to deliver water, especially to your enemy."

"Morgana, you aren't my enemy."

"Oh really? So, you'd poison a friend? You'd try to kill your friend? If I am not an enemy, what am I?" Her voice was bitter.

"You are the King's daughter." He said slowly.

She laughed, and an edge crept into her voice. "I am no daughter of a _King. _I am the daughter of a coward, a traitor to my kind, an enemy of all."

"Well I suppose the apple has to fall somewhere, and it didn't fall to Arthur!" He said in exasperation.

"Well I couldn't have just stood there, acting like his sweet, loving ward while he persecuted my kin! And it's not my fault that he is so caught up in Ygraine's death that he would kill to relive himself! And it's also not my fault he's this way, my choice was for myself!"

"Morgana, this all goes back to you. He would prize you even more than Arthur, in many ways. I've seen what he's done for you, but you have not. Please, just give him a chance to explain-"

"Explain what, Merlin? That he hates as I do and that we're exactly alike? We aren't. His evil has corrupted his entire self. Mine has not. I am still the same as I was before-"

He snorted. "Really, Morgana?" Suddenly he looked straight into her face and his eyes searched it, as if looking for something.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Searching,"

"Searching for what?"

"Morgana, I am searching for the beautiful, kind, generous, willful, purposeful, and magnificent Morgana that once stood before me, and that I served with pride. She was once a girl who was sure of herself, and that I had to help more than once, but never minded. Now she's you, someone lost and alone, and I cannot help her."

He backed away from her, and then he turned and walked into the shadows.

She let go the breath she had been holding. His words echoed in her mind, in that same tiny place, but she ignored the chanting of his last words to her, "_I cannot help her."_


	3. Chapter 3

Merlin came again the next day with food and more water. She drank and ate heartily, as he watched her contently.

"What?" She finally asked. "What are you staring at? And please, don't start on the whole 'Morgana you are evil' thing. It's getting old, Merlin."

He could tell she was feeling better. If she wasn't, she would be grateful, and maybe even sorry. But she was becoming her new self again; the woman he despised so but wished he could love. He wished he could feel for her now as he did then.

He shook his head. "Nothing, I was looking at nothing."

"Good. I would feel strange to know you were staring at me while I eat. I haven't had food in days, you know. You should be lucky you brought me some today. I do still have magic, you know." She grinned foolishly.

He stood up from where he had been crouching before her. "Morgana, stand up please."

"What?" She asked, confused.

"Stand up."

She stood up perfectly, balanced and proper, though she looked very unsure.

He nodded. "Good. Your strength has returned."

"Has that what you've been waiting for, my strength to return? Why?"

"Because, I needed you strong so I could do this!" He muttered something under his breath, and instantly Morgana was swept up from where she stood onto a tree, knocking out her breath.

She choked and gasped for breath. "What're you-"

She was again swung into the air and back onto the ground, and then again she flew through the air around and around until she almost puked. She lay on the floor of the forest, eyes closed and breathing heavy, deep breathes, as if she had never breathed before.

Merlin crouched beside her, and tried to see her face. Her eyes opened slightly, enough to see Merlin's serious but pained face staring at her, with a look she could not describe. He was sweating.

_He has magic. _She thought to herself quietly. Then a voice in her head laughed wickedly.

_Of course he does, you stupid girl! It's really taken you this long?_ She recognized the voice in her head. It was Alvarr.

"Morgana?" He asked quietly, and as he said her name, she had a flashback of when he poisoned her.

The same look he had on his face now was the same as it was when he poisoned her. He was sorry. But it was more than that, she knew. He realized he'd revealed his secret to her, and he couldn't understand what he was doing. But it was paining him. Then why did he do it?

"What are you doing, Merlin?" She asked weakly, and for a moment a dry tear slid down her cheek. Merlin saw the tear and turned away. "Surely you aren't the kind of man to get revenge, though I suppose someone with magic could easily."

"No, I am not, I shall not." He whispered, and then connected his gaze to hers. "But you are. You killed innocent people to take revenge on your own father. You are no better than he is. You are despicable. And I cannot believe how someone like you grew up to be someone like him. It's sad, Morgana."

"Please, Merlin, save your lectures for people who care! I had to kill those people, I had no choice-"

"Morgana, it was not your choice to make!" He stood up in anger and glared down at her. "That has always been the difference between Arthur and you, the reason why everyone expects Arthur to be a great king. He believes everyone is equal, but you, you kill innocent villagers as if they were cattle, as if their impact made no difference in the world! They're type are the reason you are still alive!"

In his anger, he had accidentally pushed Morgana up from her spot on the ground and onto a tree, drawing all her strength as he thumped her against it again and again. When it finally stopped, she was bruised in too many places, and was crying so hard Merlin fell down onto his knees as tears ran down his own cheeks.

"Morgana," He breathed, and put his head into his hands and let his tears fall. "I really wish you knew what you are doing to me, what this whole mess has done to me. I wished I could have told you about all of this-"He choked on is words as the flashback of her dying of the poison he'd given her consumed is mind. It was blurry from his unclear mind and his tears, but the memory was still too much to bear.

"I'm sorry, Morgana."

She looked at him for a moment, there, his head on his lap like a small child. She felt something inside her crack and break, and all her emotions swirled around her. But she couldn't control them. It was like old times, when she knew something was missing inside herself. And yet, it felt as if that place was filled, but now breaking from her confusion. She couldn't understand it, but as she looked at him, she remembered all the times Merlin had looked at her with worry, and the first time he had said, "It's good to have you back." It was only now she realized what he had meant. It wasn't that she was physically back to Camelot that made him happy, but that the girl inside her that he spoke so highly of had come home to him, safe and sound, and unharmed in any evil way. But she had betrayed him, lied to him, and tried so many times to kill him.

But then again, so had he.

_But he was always sorry. And he always forgave me, and even tried to protect me. _And it was at that moment, she realized what she had wondered about.

She gasped. "It was you!" She whispered, her voice high, and pointed a finger at him. "When I was dying, that fall on the stairs, it was no fall at all! You made me fall, but then saved me!" She was so confused. "Why did you save me?"

He looked up, and she saw his tear-stained face. He did not speak, but just stood up, his chin quivering, and walked away.

"Wait!" Morgana called, and she stood weakly, using all her strength, to run after him. "Why did you save me?"

He looked at her only for a moment, and said simply, "For the same reason I didn't kill you now. Forgiveness, Morgana."

"But you've always forgiven me. Why do you keep forgiving me? I am evil, darkness-"

"You are the darkness to my light." He said slowly.

She looked at him with a confused face.

"Morgana, I have always forgiven you because I believed that you would, would-"

"Would what, Merlin?" She asked quietly and slowly, as if scared for his response.

"I want you to forgive me."

"But-"

A bell rung in this distance, and though Morgana had been distracted only a moment, when she turned back, Merlin was gone, disappeared into the forest.

"I forgive you, Merlin." She winced as she said the words. "I want you to know that."

But in a small part of her, she had the strange feeling that he never would.


	4. Chapter 4

Merlin did not come for a month.

In that time, Morgana had time to think. She didn't really have much to think about, but she usually kept in mind finding food and water, though water was much more difficult, and she usually just drink the juice of fruits, when there was some. She knew winter would be coming soon, and she must prepare for a dreadful, hunger-filled cold. Eventually, she realized, she'd need more than luck to survive in the forest. She'd need things to work with, tools of some sort, so she could cut her food and make a shelter, which would be vital for her survival.

As she thought about this, she started more and more to be observant in her surroundings. She would look around for a few minutes every time she went somewhere, determined to memorize the places and their plants and animals, so she could know where to find what. She also started to make things. When she found a stick, she would find also a rock, and when both were sharpened she would tear a bit of her dress and tie the two items together. In this way, a spear was born.

_But wait, _She asked herself once, after making her third spear. _When will I even use a spear? And how would I use it? I haven't any idea how to use one! And it's so ridiculous, how proud I am. All I made was a spear!_

Which is when she dropped the whole spear-making process and started a new hobby; trying to live so she wasn't tearing off pieces of her dress every day. It was particularly sad to see bits and pieces of the dress everywhere, for after all, it was her favorite dress.

It was on a day when she was just about to lose her mind of boredom and thinking hard when Merlin appeared. Morgana had been trying to get a deformed sort of apple down from a tree when it suddenly fell to the ground all by itself, and started to move to some bushes. Morgana, puzzled, followed it, and then jumped as Merlin appeared from out of the bushes.

"Hello Morgana," He said with a smile. "I brought you some food, and water, oh, and some of your dresses. I'm kind of glad I thought to do that; your dress is not looking as it once did."

Morgana felt her face grow hot as she self-consciously stroked the red garment. She looked at his smiling face. He was such a dork. He held out the items, which consisted of apples, meat, cheese, bread, strawberries…and roses.

"Why are you giving me this?" She asked stubbornly. "I can get food myself."

He looked at her, her cheekbones clearly visible on her face and her body looking like it was just bones.

"I can see that," He said sarcastically.

She crossed her arms.

"I am very much capable of getting food and water on my own."

"So, what, are you just trying to lose weight or something? I mean, not that you need to or anything, but it just looks like…"

"Look, Merlin, as much as I _love _having you randomly show up all the time," She took the food and pouch of water. "I would appreciate it if you would stop coming. I don't wish to see you anymore."

"Yeah, you probably don't." He said as-a-matter-a-factly.

"So, you can leave."

"Well, thanks for the notification, but I'm fine."

"Merlin, I said you can leave. Now."

"Yeah, Morgana, I know."

"So why aren't you leaving?"

He could see her anger boiling, and for a moment he was a bit frightened of what she might do, but he knew he had to see what she was capable of.

"Because, I like spending time here. After all, Arthur's not around, so I don't have anyone to boss me around (don't tell him I said that), and there's no one here with problems I have to fix. Right?"

She just glared.

"Go away, Merlin, I don't want you here."

"Yeah, and I didn't want to kill you, or your sister. Actually, I didn't want to do a lot of things, and I'm guessing you have had the same feeling. But, I guess we both know that we don't always have a choice. Do we, Morgana?"

"GET OUT OF HERE, MERLIN!"

A gold flash of eyes sent Merlin flying into the air and into a tree, which he fell from, his left pant leg ripping from the scrape of a branch, and he landed on the ground with a loud thump, his breath being knocked out of his lungs. He lay there for a few moments, with Morgana simply staring at him.

"It hurts, doesn't it?" Morgana said bitterly. "To be knocked around like some wild object? To be handled like a child. "

"But, I think…" Merlin's voice sounded drained. "I think it hurts more when someone you love does it to you. When you love someone so much, and they betray you. It hurts, and it's a choice."

"A choice? Who do you think you are, Merlin? No, what do you think you are? A poet? You always come here with some story, some lesson, that you expect me to just accept and change my ways." She laughed. "Did you really think I could change? I've chosen my path, and I think it's time you chose yours."

"Morgana-"

"You know, I can't believe that for all these years you've been in Camelot, I never ever thought you had magic. You were the sweet guy, the guy everyone went to for advice, or to settle their problem. In fact," She laughed. "I think some people thought of you like a king."

And it struck her. She looked at him for a moment, her eyes shooting straight into his. He gulped with the intensity of her gaze, and got up onto his legs and stood before her, their eyes still locked. And then she looked away, and smiled.

_Wickedly,_ He thought. _Wasn't there a time when her smile warmed hearts? Or was it always a figment of my imagination? Was it her beauty, a beauty that blinded people so that they couldn't see underneath? She wasn't always like this. She wasn't. I know she wasn't. Where has she gone?_

And then he felt a great knock on his head, as if a huge hand struck him, and he collapsed, unconscious, onto the ground. Morgana stood before his body, and her eyes glowed as she sent his body back to his chambers within seconds, while she sent messages into his head. She spoke of her love for him, words of romance, words of persuasion…she had a plan for him. And he wouldn't know about it.

_Who needs forgiving, _She thought. _When we could both get what we want my way? Arthur would never see it coming…no one would. Watch out, Arthur Pendragon. Your sister is coming home. _


End file.
